How long is a piece of string?...

Well it's about six weeks on from my 'little bleeder' ordeal and I'm feeling about 90% back to normal. The pain is completely under control but most importantly the panic, distress and loss of faith and determination i had has settled down and I've put things back into order in my head. It's also been explained that the chances of my adrenal gland doing that again, my time bomb panic, is highly unlikely, but hey, we are talking about me. So I've decided to do as they say, 'prepare for the worse but hope for the best'. Every night I still ask the angels and my Dad to take away all the cancer from my body so that i can at least see Joe grow into a happy settled young man. That is my biggest wish and i will fight this disease until that day and beyond.

While i was recuperating my wonderful mum, my trusty side-kick, stayed and helped out round the house which was a godsend because i got a terrible spasm in my back that was preventing me from breathing in. I couldn't move for about two weeks and was prescribed diazapan and lorazapan. This left me like a stunned mullet throughout the day, zombie for you non-kiwi slang readers. My biggest concern was that i couldn't breathe when my back had the spasm until it relaxed, which some times was about 30-50 seconds. My G.P, who i might add is also wonderful, said 'don't worry you'll pass out first and then start breathing again'. That boosted my confidence...not, but i did laugh with him about that. Fortunately that now has also all settled down and I'm no longer needing the 'azapans so my head is so much clearer.

Today was my follow up with the wonderful Dr Alice. I keep telling her I'm going to make her famous but i don't think she believes me. One thing i do know is that i love the look on her face when she first comes into the room and sees me. To me it's like happy amazement. I know she's got to be practical and give me the facts, and I'm grateful she is like that, but I think secretly i do surprise her how quickly i bounce back even though I'm sure she thinks I'm a fruit cake because of my faith in the Vibrational Therapy.

We discussed the boob on my back because it's starting to effect my shoulder at night when i sleep and as you know i couldn't have surgery last month because i was too weak. So the surgery option was put back on the table, along with sleeping on a hemorrhoid pillow to cushion the surrounding area. That made me laugh! I could have done with that when they were shoving jugs of laxatives down my throat! As expected the boob that was the size of an orange is now edging towards a grapefruit so really the surgery needs to be done now before the lump gets any bigger and can't be surgically removed. The problem is, its not an insignificant little surgery and as Dr Alice says, melanoma is so unpredictable we don't know whether I'm going to live another two weeks, two months or with my determination two years. It's as long as a piece of string. Apparently she has had patients come in for their follow up appointments looking fine and two weeks later, dead! That's melanoma for you. My dilemma is, every time i have any kind of treatment the cancer goes crazy, as if my body is fighting the treatment and not the cancer. Generally i mean chemotherapy and radiotherapy so i don't know if surgery would effect me the same way so I've decided to leave it to toss around in my head for a week or two. I'm very interested in a particular trial taking place called PLX4032 that is having fantastic results with tumour shrinkage, but I'll tell you more about that in a couple of weeks when I've been to see the Professor in charge of trials at the Churchill in Oxford.

Now, as i was saying, I'm preparing for the worse but hoping for the best. Fortunately all the doom and gloom stuff got sorted in January when I was told I had until May so it was the other little things that needed dealing with. Firstly my iPhone!

When i found out the tumours had grown i was so pissed off. Aside from all the obvious reasons my iPhone contract on the 3GS had run out and i was so looking forward to getting the white version of the 4 to come at Christmas but i thought sod it and went straight down to O2 and upgraded to the iPhone 4 and i love it. I can skype my sister in New Zealand whenever i want and that alone is worth it. Besides, i thought what's the worse they can do? Take the phone back when i die? Who cares! Joe has my 3GS and Mum doesn't have a clue how to use it anyway so they can have it back. I did feel very naughty, but it just gives me another reason i can't go any where for 18 months!

Then there was Dexter. No, this isn't a family pet it's the American television drama that I'm hooked on. Season 4 just finished on T.V and I'm going to be so annoyed if I'm not here for season 5 so i cheated and have been watching it online. This by no means is me admitting defeat, it's me being too impatient to wait until next year because the last episode was so dramatic! Mind you, it's not just Dexter, there's Greys Anatomy, Private Practice, Lie to Me...but I'll be patient for them.