Well you know me by now. With my trusty side-kick by my side, Mum, there is always a giggle to be had. Now i must warn you, for those who have squeamish tummy's or don't like the word shit stop reading now!
About two days into my hospital stay i started to develop an awful tummy ache on top of everything else and the morphine wasn't controlling it. This wasn't a pain as such, more a discomfort. Every time i ate or drank it would get stuck in my chest as if it couldn't go down. A bit like getting a lump of dry bread stuck in your throat. Also my stomach was starting to go hard and stick out so they sent me off for a x-ray. I was absolutely scared stiff that i had fluid in my abdomen from the cancer or worse still another tumor having a growth spurt and pressing on my stomach. A couple of hours later my lovely little ward doctor, Jess, came in to give me the results, my bowels were backed up! Like most women i do tend to suffer from constipation quite often but keep it under control with lots of fluids and fresh fruit. Unfortunately though with all the drugs i was on and practically being bed bound this had made it worse. The x-ray confirmed it and made it official...I was full of shit, literally!! Now, in the past I've been told I'm full of ideas, full of knowledge, full of lip and even full of mischief but never full of shit! I couldn't help but laugh until the laxatives started. Bearing in mind i was hooked up to a blood transfusion machine, a morphine pump and oxygen, this soon became something from a comedy show.
It began with one sachet mixed in with my glass of water after breakfast. That will shift it, i thought! Next was a sachet in my glass of water after my dinner. Ha! That will shift it, but i was so worried i would block the toilet. I was in a single room with my own bathroom, thank goodness, but it wasn't like i could blame anyone else. Fortunately it did start shifting but clearly not enough because for the next three to four days i was being given a sachet in my glass of water with every meal. I remember thinking, "for Gods sake, how much shit can one person be full of!?" and then it came...the jug! I'm not even joking when i say this but they put six sachets in a 500ml jug and i had to drink it within four hours!! The nurses called it a purge or surge.Whatever it was called I'm sure those bitches were laughing, mind you i was by that stage too because every time i went to the toilet i had to unplug the blood transfusion machine and the morphine pump (both of which would beep with an alarm like a tracking device so everyone knew where i was) and then the oxygen nasal cannula, so planning ahead was essential. At one stage the urge came on so fast i managed to unplug the machine but forgot the nasal cannula and nearly ripped my nostrils clear off my face. I couldn't giggle about how funny it was in case i shit myself. I was spending 60% of the day on the toilet and my poor little botty was getting sore but now with the surge i may as well take my pillow in there. All i could think was that must have been one massive shit the radiologist saw on the screen. Guinness book of records style. Fortunately though there was no more. Nothing. I was no longer full of shit!
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