My tiny orifice...

Just when you think  it's all going quiet...whack...it all starts again! Remember my croaky voice? It started about two weeks before Radiotherapy and i put it down to Laryngitis. During Radiotherapy it got worse and i continued to put it down to Laryngitis taking longer to shift because of being run down from Radiotherapy. 6-8 weeks later my voice is still really croaky and gets quite sore when i talk too much, which in my case is often! I'd never heard of Melanoma spreading to the throat but hey, it's me we're talking about and if there's history to be made I'll be there. It also seems to be the pattern to how i find  new tumors. Ovarian cysts...tumor in groin, indigestion...tumor in chest...etc.

So two weeks ago I toddled of to my G.P, Dr Graham, with my concerns. It wouldn't be so bad if it was sexy croaky but instead i sound like an adolescent teenage boy! He gave me a prescription for antibiotics, to rule out the laryngitis and sent me for a chest x-ray. Apparently, it's very rare, but there's a nerve that loops down into the chest that has something to do with the vocal chords and maybe i have a tumor pressing on that. I didn't like that option but with my luck...that'll be it!

When they first found a tumor in my chest last year that was only because i thought i had indigestion. Very painful indigestion! Joe and I had been to the movies one Friday night and as usual i was pigging out on my popcorn and m&m's when the pain started. I couldn't finish the popcorn!!! That alone should have been a sign that something wasn't right. I'd never had indigestion before but i guessed that must be it. I felt like i needed a big burp because of the pressure in my chest so i bought a coke but I've never been a big burper so that just made it worse because the gas got trapped too. I tried indigestion remedies and they didn't work and by the Sunday i was in agony. It was like a pick-ax was going through the centre of my chest and out my back. In fact my back hurt more. Fortunately i live behind the local hospital so i just popped in there thinking they could give me some prescription antacid but before i new it the doctor was sending me off to Royal Berkshire Hospital because i was having a heart attack. Great!! Add that to the list! As usual i had my trusty sidekick with me because "it's our journey".  As mum and I sat in the cubicle at A&E, i was hooked up to all sorts. Mum had been watching too much Holby City and was telling me I was tachycardic! Crazy woman,  it hurt so much to laugh but as usual we were seeing the funny side of it until a lead fell off and i went flat line. Mum's face went white, it was hysterical and i cried in pain from laughter. If she could have cranked the resuscitation trolley up she would have. We were still laughing when the doctor came in and told me it was highly likely i had a tear in my Aorta! I worked in an operating theatre in New Zealand so I knew the outcome to that one. I WAS A GONNA!! Hmmm, couldn't see the funny side of that and all i could think of was 'that's going to make a mess'. I knew it could blow at any minute so when the doctor left i explained to mum where everything was regarding life insurances, bank accounts etc...As usual she told me to shut up but this time i needed her to listen. I was admitted and sent off for a scan that night.

That night i drifted in and out of sleep trying to keep as calm as possible so i wouldn't put any extra pressure on my Aorta. I heard the radiographer mention my name to the nurse and hand her a piece of paper, they both looked at me and walked off so i knew the results were in and it was a matter of time before they would have me in surgery repairing the tear. Well no one came. The next morning, no one came. By the afternoon i asked a nurse what was going on and she just said she couldn't say but someone would come talk to me. No one came. The next day the doctors avoided my bed when they did rounds, the nurses gave me the same fob-off answer and still no on came. Then finally a flustered nurse said the Oncology team were coming to see me! When i asked her what for, she looked like she'd put her foot in her mouth and scarpered off in a rush. All i could think of was if I've got a tear in my aorta, what the hell do the Oncology team want? That did not help with the stay calm breathing i was concentrating on so my aorta didn't blow. I couldn't think which was worse. The tear in the aorta or the cancer spreading to my chest.

Two days later a General doctor came to see me after i kicked up about no one telling me what was going on. Mum was starting to pace, so it was either me saying something politely or her grabbing someone by the neck. It turned out not to be a tear in the Aorta, it was a mass in my chest pressing on the aorta and surrounding nerves causing all the pain apparently the size of a large grape. That then leads into the story of how i needed Chemotherapy but that's another blog. Lets get back to the laryngitis.

A week or so after the chest x-ray i had my follow up radiotherapy appointment with Dr Alice about the boob on my back, which had not shrunk one little bit! She asked me about my voice and said there was something little on the x-ray. At first i thought she meant on my lungs and i was gutted because i had been so proud of the fact that my organs were clear but fortunately she meant in my chest. I sighed with relief when i realised she meant where the other one was. It sounds ridiculous to be relieved about that but my organs are precious and to me by them staying clear of cancer is proof that i can either beat this terrible disease or at least hold it at bay.  I don't know if that's arrogance or naivety but it works for me. So the next plan of action was to stick a camera up my nose to see if my vocal chords were working properly because if they weren't we were back to the tumor in the chest pressing on the nerve theory. Great! I've had that procedure before and it hurt. I've had untold procedures but that is one pain i will never forget. I joked about telling Dr Alice about my little orifice and that even my son was born through cesarean section because i was too small, which made her smile but she still booked me in the next day for the procedure. At the same time i was going to see Dr Andy the plastic surgeon to look at the boob on my back.

So Thursday, there we were. Me and my trusty sidekick. We walked into the treatment room where Dr Alice, Dr Andy and another doctor, with a camera in his hands the size of a bazooka, were all sitting joking about my little orifice. They must look at me and think, here we go again, it's that bloody nutter. I sat in the chair and before i knew it the other doctor had the numbing spray shooting up my nose. That alone is unpleasant and is like spraying hair spray up your nostril (i assume). Then before i could say "it's not numb yet" he was shoving the camera up my nose. I was hoping that since I'd had the procedure before it wouldn't hurt so much because my nostrils were no longer virgins...who was i kidding. The pain. Have you ever breathed water up your nose when your swimming? It's like that, times ten!

"Breath through your nose, say 'e', say 'ar', swallow..."

As my head went giddy and i broke out in a sweat from head to foot gripping the chair for dear life, i thought "I'll give you bloody breath through your nose you idiot! Pull this yard hose out of my nostril and I'll wrap it round your neck"
What a relief when it was done. I thought i was going to pass out when he'd finished so i put my head between my knees while they talked about what they found. In that position Dr Andy started to feel the boob on my back. Thank goodness i didn't have anything wrong with my butt or they would've been examining that too. It was at that stage i had to lay down because the room was spinning. They were all fantastic though and i couldn't ask for a better team. Dr Alice was stroking my shoulder and i apologized for being such a big baby, but i reminded her of my little orifice and she laughed. I love Dr Alice because she gets me and my sense of humour and makes me feel safe. She then went on to say there was a growth on my vocal chords that needs surgery. Of course it needs surgery, it's me. Can't even have simple laryngitis! Anyway they didn't seem to think it was cancerous but it needed removing none the less and would be sent of to pathology. I'm kind of getting a BOGOF (by one get one free) deal because while I'm having the surgery on my throat Dr Andy is going to remove the boob on my back. Apparently its the size of an orange under the muscle and it's quite a big procedure so watch this space for photos. Dr Andy held his fingers about 20cm apart giving me a rough idea of the scar size but with my experience of him i can add at least another 5cm on that. I'm looking more and more like a patchwork quilt as the time goes on but i don't care...I'm alive.

Each time something changes i try to see the positive side or the funny side. With these two surgeries it's easy. Firstly, there will be no more sleeping on a fist because that is getting painful. Secondly, with the throat surgery, isn't surgery on the throat how Bonnie Tyler or Kim Carnes got their gruff singing voices? Watch out Mr Cowell, I'm coming to X Factor.